228. Self-Compassion in Dance: How to Balance Ambition with Kindness

[00:00:00] Hi, I am your host, Dr. Chelsea. Welcome to Passion for Dance, where it's my mission to create happier, more successful dancers through positive mental skills. And on this show, we talk about what really helps dancers thrive. The mindset, motivation, and mental skills that will keep you confident, joyful, and willing to put in the work when you're dancing.

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[00:01:00] Okay, so on to today's topic. Let me ask you something. Are you hard on yourself? I kind of feel like that's a silly question. With dancers, we're always hard on ourselves. And I get it. That dance culture often rewards perfectionism and that toughness. But I also wanna share some of the latest research that actually says athletes who show themselves some compassion and kindness instead of harsh self-criticism, actually perform better, recover faster, and feel more confident in the long run.

Now, it's not about going easy on yourself either, but today I wanna dive into the topic of self-compassion. I'll share what it really means, why it's not the same thing as being weak or soft and how you can start to build your own self-compassion right away.

Welcome to Passion for Dance. I'm Dr. Chelsea, a former professional dancer, turn sport psychologist, and this podcast is for everyone in the dance industry who want to learn actionable strategies and new mindsets to build happier, more successful dancers. I know what it [00:02:00] feels like to push through the pain, take on all the criticism, and do whatever it takes to make sure the show will go on.

But I also know that we understand more about mental health and resilience than ever before, and it's time to change the industry for the better. This podcast is for all of us to connect, learn, and share our passion for dance with the world.

So what exactly is self-compassion? Well, when I'm talking about athlete self-compassion, it's refers to your ability to treat yourself kindly and with understanding when you struggle instead of beating yourself up. I feel like it's kind of a dancer requirement to be hard on ourselves.

It's in our dancer, DNA, to beat ourselves up when we are struggling. But I want to introduce a new way. You can have self-compassion and still push through the struggles and work hard. A lot of the research on this is from Dr. Kristen Neff and she shares these three key ideas around self-compassion.

The first is it's about self-kindness. Choosing supportive language over [00:03:00] criticism. When you fall out of a turn in practice instead of, ugh, so bad at this, you can try, that didn't work this time. I know what to adjust. Self-kindness is a choice. It's noticing the critical language that happens in your head and choosing a more supportive phrase so that you can get back to work and keep improving.

Self-compassion is also about mindfulness. It's noticing thoughts and emotions without the judgment. Noticing your feelings, noticing those negative emotions, but then letting go of what you should be feeling or should be doing and not judging yourself.

The third key idea with self-compassion is the idea of common humanity, that mistakes and setbacks are part of being human. They're part of being a dancer. Every dancer from a beginner to a professional has tough practices and hard rehearsals. You're not alone and reminding yourself your struggle today is normal and expected, and there's nothing wrong with you, is a type of self-compassion.[00:04:00] 

So when I'm talking about self-compassion, it's that. Understanding of being more kind to yourself, mindful of your emotions, and remembering that you are a human who is allowed to struggle. But I also wanna be clear self-compassion doesn't mean lowering your standards. It means holding yourself to high expectations and big goals while supporting yourself through the learning process rather than beating yourself up.

Science tells us that athletes who are more self-compassionate handle failure with less shame and more emotional resilience. They stay calmer under pressure. They bounce back faster after mistakes., So many positive outcomes by focusing on self-compassion.

So if you're looking to build that resilience, self-compassion may be a key change for you. I know that all dancers can relate to that yucky feeling that comes up when a performance didn't go as planned. You're not happy with how it went. So the difference with self-compassion is that it's the resilience that comes from how you talk to yourself after that [00:05:00] poor performance.

Okay, so let's talk about why this really matters in dance. Self-compassion helps you handle failure and emotional pain. When we are overly critical, our brain interprets that as a threat. Being really self-critical and mean to yourself increases cortisol, which is your stress hormone. So it actually makes it harder to focus and improve.

So I want you to think about a time when you were maybe struggling to pick up choreography. If you start being critical, you also can't focus on what you're trying to learn, and you feel even more and more behind and frustrated. It usually spirals and gets worse. That nasty inner critic is making it harder for you to focus, which makes it harder for you to learn the choreography and keep pushing through.

Instead, dancers who show themselves more compassion actually experience less anxiety and less fear of failure. They are more likely to learn from their mistakes instead of avoiding them. Think of it this way, yelling at [00:06:00] yourself for struggling with choreography doesn't magically make it easier to learn.

Instead, pausing, taking a breath saying, that's okay. Reset. Try again. It'll keep your nervous system more calm, which means you can actually learn and improve.

The second reason it's so important for dancers is it improves resilience and overall mental health. Higher self-compassion is not only linked with lower stress, it's also linked with lower anxiety and depression.

Dance is emotionally demanding. We face constant evaluation and comparison. We're expected to express all sorts of emotions and self-compassion can act like a cushion. With all of that evaluation and judgment coming at you, it absorbs some of that emotional impact so you can keep showing up day after day. Self-compassion is a resilience tool and it's in your control.

The third reason it's so important in dance is it supports a growth mindset and long-term [00:07:00] motivation. When I talk about trying to be more compassionate with yourself, a lot of dancers worry that being kind to themselves will make them lazy or coaches worry. If you encourage self-compassion, it'll be a crutch to give up and stop trying. But there's actually a lot of research that shows the opposite athletes who engage in more self-compassion, stay driven and keep trying without burning out,

They are motivated because they care about improving and they actually believe they're capable. It's that growth mindset again, that weaknesses can be improved, and it's the idea that you can, and will get better with time and effort. Self-compassion reminds you that when you're struggling, rather than beating yourself up after a mistake or when things are hard, you actually engage in the self-compassion to remember that mistakes are normal and they will happen and you are capable of getting better. So I wanna pause and ask you to consider when you make a mistake in class or make a mistake at a convention or competition, what is the first thing [00:08:00] you say to yourself? And if it's really critical, would you ever say that to a teammate or a friend? Likely, we're much more kind and compassionate to our peers, and we engage in a lot of self-criticism, but if you wanna build resilience, you wanna have motivation to improve. I hope you consider the possibility that building self-compassion may help you get there.

So let's talk about that. How do you develop self-compassion? Well, the good news is it's not a personality trait, it's a skill. You can train it just like you train your flexibility or your strength. So here are a few research backed ways to do that.

One is reflective journal. I've talked about journaling a lot and all the benefits, and self-compassion is one great skill to build through a journaling practice. After a tough rehearsal or performance, you can write about it with empathy instead of judgment. Try the simple structure what happened? Keep it factual. Describe what happened in that tough rehearsal or performance. [00:09:00] Then ask, what did I learn? Focus on where you can find growth. And then finally end the reflection with one kind thing I can say to myself. End with some compassion around the event.

We know that reflective writing has helped many athletes, and there's even research specific to high school varsity athletes that journaling reduces self-criticism and increases resilience. So if you have that nasty inner critic, this kind of journaling might help.

It's not about sugarcoating what happened. It's about finding the balance between honesty and compassion.

The second strategy to build self-compassion is about building mindfulness during practice just start noticing self-critical thoughts in real time. When they pop up, that inner critic that says, I'm not good enough. I always mess this up. Left, is so hard. I'm never flexible enough. Just label the thought. You can say that's a perfectionist thought or that's my fear talking. Simply [00:10:00] observing that inner critic with a little curiosity and with a little distance helps it lose power.

You can even name your inner critic. Give it a silly name, or i've even had young dancers draw their inner critic like a monster and give it its name. It's just about giving yourself that separation from your thoughts to help them lose their power.

Not every thought we think is true. So being able to just notice it and say, that's my perfectionism talking. Or that's my critic monster, Regina, whatever you want to call her, whatever comes to mind. Just giving yourself that distance of there's that inner critic, not helpful. I'm gonna focus on what matters in the moment.

A third tool is compassion focused imagery. Visualization is something a lot of dancers already understand and use regularly. We use it to practice choreography all the time, but you can try using it for compassion. Simply closing your eyes and picture your most encouraging coach or friend talking to you after a mistake. Hear their tone. [00:11:00] Feel that support. Then try to imagine offering those same words to yourself.

And the fourth tool is for teachers and coaches listening, or anyone who has some sort of leadership role. What you say to your dancer becomes their inner voice. So the language you use after a mistake matters.

As coaches, when we get frustrated and we wanna say things like, you just need to focus more. Instead phrasing it as something like, okay, that didn't go as planned. What do you think we can learn from it? What's next? The subtle shift that moves from criticism to curiosity. Again, you're not letting 'em off the hook. You still have high expectations for what needs to happen next, and maybe it was a terribly unfocused run through. Just saying, come on, focus isn't necessarily gonna help. You can label it as something that didn't go well. Be real, be honest. But then let's notice why and choose what to do to be better next time.

You're asking your dancers to be more aware [00:12:00] that their lack of focus is the problem, and asking them about it and letting them be curious about why that didn't go well can be a lot more effective than just yelling. Go again. When coaches and teammates model this kind of compassion, it becomes part of the team culture. You can continue to hold those high standards. You can go again after a run through that doesn't meet your expectations, but how you talk about that mistake or less than fabulous run through that you just saw will influence your dancer's ability to bounce back and try again.

Let's bring this all together. Self-compassion is one of those quiet skills that really can change everything once you start practicing. It doesn't mean you're letting yourself off the hook or lowering your standards. It means you're choosing to support yourself the same way you support a friend. 'cause that's what actually leads to growth.

When you fall out of a turn when you forget choreography or you get tough feedback. The self-compassionate dancer says, that was hard to hear, but I can learn from [00:13:00] this. That simple mindset can keep your confidence intact and your motivation strong while you're working through a hard class.

Over time that's what builds consistency and long-term success. Not focusing on perfectionism, but focusing on compassion. So here's your takeaway. Self-compassion doesn't make you weak. It makes you resilient. It's the skill that allows you to chase excellence without letting self-doubt or fear of failure hold you back. And if this episode resonated with you, I, again, I would love to hear other topics or challenges you are dealing with right now. You can submit a question or topic that you need help with so I can be there to support.

So what do you and your team need right now? Send me a message at passion for dance podcast.com/voicemail. And your question could be featured on a future episode. I would truly love to hear from you. Thanks for spending a few minutes with me today.

And remember, you can be both kind and ambitious. Go for those big goals. Hold those high standards. [00:14:00] Just engage in a little self-compassion on the journey. And when you find that balance. That allows you to always share your passion for dance with the world.

Thank you for listening to Passion for Dance. You can find all episode resources at passion for dance podcast.com and be sure to follow me on Instagram for more high performance tips at Doctor Chelsea dot Otti. That's P-I-E-R-O-T-T-I. This podcast is for passionate dancers and dance educators who are ready to change our industry by creating happier, more successful dancers.

I'm Dr. Chelsea and keep sharing your passion for dance with the world.