207. When Jealousy Hits the Team: Understanding and Overcoming Teammate Tension

207 Jealousy

[00:00:00] Welcome to Passion for Dance. I'm your host, Dr. Chelsea, and my mission is to create happier, more successful dancers through positive mental skills. And today we're gonna focus on creating happier, more successful competitive teams by dealing with jealousy and teammate tension. 

When you have any athletic team, tensions will arise. There's always some level of internal competition. Even when that's discouraged, it's natural. In dance teams, there are usually tensions around placement in a formation, leadership positions, which routines you're in, alternate positions and more. Even on the closest of teams, jealousy can creep in. And when left unaddressed, it can harm relationships, motivation, and the competitive success of the team. So today I'm gonna explore why jealousy happens and more importantly, how dancers and coaches can address it to build stronger teams. 

I also want to mention that this episode was created based on a listener's idea. So if you have an idea for an episode, [00:01:00] please let me know at Passion for Dance podcast.com/voicemail, or send me an email. You can find all the contact info at passion for dance podcast.com. I'd love to hear from you and find out what's on your mind. So if you have a topic you wish I would address on the show, reach out and let me know.

Welcome to Passion for Dance. I'm Dr. Chelsea, a former professional dancer, turn sport psychologist, and this podcast is for everyone in the dance industry who want to learn actionable strategies and new mindsets to build happier, more successful dancers. I. I know what it feels like to push through the pain, take on all the criticism, and do whatever it takes to make sure the show will go on.

But I also know that we understand more about mental health and resilience than ever before, and it's time to change the industry for the better. This podcast is for all of us to connect, learn, and share our passion for dance with the world.

 To start off this episode, I want to share three common causes of jealousy among dancers. I think it's valuable to [00:02:00] understand where it's coming from so that you can do some reflection to see if you can pinpoint the source of tension on your program or maybe the tension you feel right now between you and a teammate.

The first source of jealousy is that it happens when there is a perceived threat to a social relationship. When dancers on a team are friends, but then something changes in that relationship, so one person feels isolated or socially rejected by teammates, it can trigger jealousy and tension. 

Now with dancers that can happen in relation to the team or in outside relationships. I've seen jealousy spike when some members of a friend group move up a level and one friend is left behind. Or when some dancers get a solo or a certain competitive routine and others are alternates or don't get to compete. When there is a division in competition or level placement, that often triggers social isolation, intentional or not, it's breaking up social relationships. It can also happen when a new dancer comes to a studio or a new, [00:03:00] incredibly talented junior transfers to your high school team. Watching that new star dancer get noticed and praised can make other longtime members feel left out. 

And there's also the flip side of that. When you are the star dancer and everyone else is now jealous of you, that tends to spark negative treatment and emotional anguish for that new dancer. It can be hard to feel jealous of a stronger dancer. And it can also be very hard to be the dancer, everyone is jealous of. Especially if they assume your talent comes easy but in fact, you always have and continue to work very hard for your success. So regardless of the exact details, jealousy often arises because of social shifts in the team.

Jealousy also happens when there's a threat to a dance friendship, but it may have nothing to do with dance. Dancers are usually good friends with many teammates, and maybe they go to school together, maybe they just spend every waking minute together, but their core social group is often tied to who they dance with.

So a rift [00:04:00] socially around a new romantic partner, a school group project, or even the fact that everyone else has a driver's license and you are too young, it can all cause tension and jealousy among friends and teammates. So that's the first and most common source of jealousy, any threat to a social relationship. And as much as coaches and teachers wish it would just stay social and not impact what's going on in the studio, we all know that it does. 

The second source of jealousy on a team is when you are part of a studio or a school team with a very competitive team environment that doesn't provide the emotional support to go with it. I'm talking about the teams or studios that encourage internal competition at the cost of relationships and treating others with kindness.

Think dance mom's pyramid. It's that type of internal competition that I'm talking about. When programs lack emotional support, the expectation is to show up and train with no [00:05:00] understanding of the human behind the dancer. When there's no value of effort and only competitive successful outcomes are what gets praised and rewarded, it creates a lot of peer pressure and jealousy. If the only way your dance teacher will tell you that you did well is if your solo wins, then when you don't win, of course you'll be jealous of the one who does.

Or if you only receive positive feedback by being the one to perform perfectly on stage, then you are more likely to focus on not messing up. Which in turn will make you mess up. So you will inevitably be jealous of the dancer on the team who seemed to be able to do it perfectly. 

In this culture, everyone is vying for the top spot in the studio, or the role of teacher's pet causing a lot of tension, jealousy, and negative outcomes. Now, even in a positive environment, dancers will always compete internally. Someone has to be in the front and center , but it's the culture around it that makes the difference. Is this a program where rising tides lifts all boats and we celebrate growth [00:06:00] and progress along with the success? Or are we creating a pyramid where only those on top are worthy of attention? 

The third source of jealousy is more about the athlete themselves, but dancers with low self-esteem are much more vulnerable to experiencing jealousy.

For example, the dancer who doubts her own abilities might interpret a teammate's success as a threat rather than being able to be happy for her and be inspired by the success. So whether it's coming from low self-esteem, a negative environment, or social tension, jealousy will naturally arise in any competitive team.

So let's talk about three resources to overcome and manage jealousy. 

The first strategy is to focus on connection and true deep friendships. When dancers are able to build real friendships and emotional bonds with their teammates, that boosts internal motivation and helps counter those feelings of jealousy.

It's easier to know that your friend has been working so hard to be put [00:07:00] in that routine, so even if you don't make it, you can be happy for them because you understand their own hard work and passion that went into the tryouts.

 This is one reason bonding activities like spending a meal together or a silly minute to win at games or community events can be so helpful. Feeling like you truly belong in a program is the foundation for motivation, hard work, positive attitudes, and even dealing with jealousy.

Now, I'll add a little reminder about emotional regulation here. When your friend has something wonderful happen to them that you are not a part of, you'll probably still feel that pang of jealousy. Just because they are your friend and you care about them doesn't mean you will never be jealous. But if you are truly friends and you've practiced the skill of handling hard emotions, you can notice, "wow, I am really jealous that she made it to varsity and I didn't. Now it's making me upset and I'm thinking that I'm a terrible dancer and I will just quit. [00:08:00] But that's not true. I worked hard. It didn't happen this time. I'll continue to work hard next year, building my skills and trying again. My friend also worked hard and I'm happy for her." That kind of internal script takes practice, but you can be disappointed in your own outcome and happy for a friend.

Noticing the conflicting emotions and choosing to respond by congratulating that friend and focusing on what's in your control about your own journey can reduce those intense feelings of jealousy. But often we're too removed from our feelings and we don't realize that that's what's going on. The awareness makes a big difference so that you can choose how you want to respond.

The second way to reduce jealousy is to make sure you create a positive and supportive climate. The type of studio climate that rewards everyone's growth and celebrates individual efforts and success no matter how talented the [00:09:00] dancer is. These kinds of positive climates focus on personal improvements or collective goals in your control that can all help dancers feel more capable and closer to their teammates.

And if you're not the teacher, maybe you're the dancer or parent listening, trying to deal with jealousy, you can still narrow your focus of success. Be the culture you want to see in your program. Celebrate effort, your own or your child's effort. Focus on personal milestones or team collective success more than those external rewards. Even if the people around you aren't doing it, you get to control your own internal experience. 

And the last way to handle jealous feelings is to focus on building a dancer's self-esteem. This is my focus if you are the dancer who feels left behind, or the dancer who others are jealous of, and it's impacting your own sense of self-worth because of the isolation that comes with it.

 When we focus on boosting self-esteem, [00:10:00] you become less susceptible to feeling jealous. It's the old adage of stay in your own lane, focus on your own path. Notice your own growth. Small tools that I've talked about a lot on this show, things like setting personal growth goals, celebrating small milestones along the way, or journaling about your own unique strengths can all build lasting confidence.

Spending time to focus on your own self-esteem can help build a shield around you, so to speak, to help with those jealous feelings that might be coming up. And I actually have a whole confidence checklist with lots of ways to boost your confidence if you think that might be helpful for you right now, where you are at as a dancer.

 You can grab that in a link in the show notes wherever you're listening, or go to passion for dance podcast.com/checklist. You can download it for lots of ideas around building confidence understanding that it could help with jealousy and all the other ways that confidence helps us be successful as dancers.[00:11:00] 

Again, that's passion for dance podcast.com/checklist. 

The bottom line here is that you combat jealousy by focusing on your own journey and sense of success, celebrating the growth and effort of everyone around you and building true relationships. 

Jealousy is natural. It's negative emotion we're all likely to experience at some point, but that doesn't mean it has to derail a team's success. Focus on strong personal relationships with at least a few teammates, positive team culture overall, and your own individual confidence to provide the best defense against jealousy. You can take control of your own journey. 

And in the spirit of taking control of your own journey, I challenge you to consider one small action you can take today to either build a stronger bond with a teammate or focus on your own confidence. Just choose one action today that will help you move forward and get out of a jealous mindset or help protect you from it in the future. Take [00:12:00] action today. Connect with a teammate or focus inward on your own journey. Be the source of kindness and uplifting spirit you want in your team's culture.

Don't wait for others to do these things for you. Control your own journey and your own internal experience. Thank you for listening and keep sharing your passion for dance with the world.

Thank you for listening to Passion for Dance. You can find all episode resources at passion for dance podcast.com and be sure to follow me on Instagram for more high performance tips at Doctor Chelsea dot Otti. That's P-I-E-R-O-T-T-I. This podcast is for passionate dancers and dance educators who are ready to change our industry by creating happier, more successful dancers.

I'm Dr. Chelsea and keep sharing your passion for dance with the world.